And it sucks to feel that way. Especially when your pastor is doing a series on relationships and devotes an entire Sunday's sermon to addressing how wives should be loving their husbands. I'd known it was coming all week. And I was prepared to get blasted. If I'm honest, my defenses were already up before I stepped into church this past week. (Which makes it kind of hard to worship.)
I was ready to get thrown under the bus, revealed as the mediocre wife that I was convinced I am. And yet, strangely, that's not what happened at all. Jonathan delivered one of the gentlest sermons I've ever heard him preach. It was full of love, grace, encouragement, exhortation. (Not that he normally preaches damnation by any means, but he also doesn't sugar coat the truth, so I was prepared to hear some hard truths about myself.) The message I heard instead was completely liberating. The message I heard instead gave me permission to step out from under all the expectations I have for myself and for how my life is "supposed" to be. It called me to simply allow God to love me - to get away with Him and be quiet and vulnerable enough that He can present Himself as the kindest, gentlest lover my soul will ever know. How freeing!
Sometimes I forget how much God loves me. I think about all the things I'm supposed to be doing for Him and all the character traits I'm supposed to be gaining and clearly I don't measure up to the standard, so I become convinced I've disappointed God and I start avoiding Him. And then, when I've beaten myself up to the point I can no longer take it, I finally, cautiously, glance over in God's direction again. To my surprise, He's waiting there, not ready to strike, not angry or punishing, but with eyes so soft and gentle you can't look away from them. There is a twinge of disappointment on His face. But it is not born out of frustration at my failures. Rather, it is a sadness that comes from times he waited for me, to love me, but I never showed. It is a sadness at my lack of trust in His goodness, His mercy, His heart.
Let us not forget the love of our Father. He wants so much to give us all He has. He has already provided us with everything we need for life and godliness. How? Through knowing Him. Through knowing the One who calls us - not by any sort of shame or coercion, but who calls us by his own glory and goodness. He loves us! Oh, how He loves us! And because of this, He has given us His precious and very great promises, that we are co-heirs with Christ, participants in the divine nature, and thus able to escape the corruption of this world!
Sometimes I daydream about the person I'd like to become one day - the type of wife, the type of mother, the type of friend, the type of ministry leader. This week Jesus reminded me that this woman, this totally awesome future me, is completely possible! I already have all the potential inside me to become an amazingly Godly woman. It's just a matter of spending time with Jesus. He has already given me everything I need.
So how much do I want to change? Am I willing to make every effort to act on my beliefs and to take advantage of the life offered me? To strive after purity and courage of character. To discipline myself to go deep in the Word of God, to meditate on it day and night, to internalize what I learn so that my knowledge informs my actions. To develop self-control and moderation in every facet of my life. To endure in the midst of really difficult times so that I can build up perseverance and Godly character. To become a person of true compassion, who celebrates with those who celebrate and cries with those who cry, filled with tenderness and the love that comes from God in me. How much do I really want to become that person? Because if I want to live that kind of life, the adventure is waiting for me.
And the best part of all? The only requirement is seeking to know God - who happens, as it turns out, to be crazy about me. :)
"Therefore, I am now going to allure her. I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." -Hosea 2:14
No comments:
Post a Comment